“The Talk”

Update / Correction: I have changed this post slightly from when I first posted it in 2013. I have replaced previous instances of the word “breed/breeding” with “mate/mating,” which is more accurate. Otherwise, the piece is just as originally posted.

Several years ago, a friend of mine spent the summer in South Africa.  She stayed with a family in a small town where, as in so many other small towns all over the world, the houses each consisted of one large common room.  After a couple of weeks of sleeping in a room with several other people, she summoned the courage to ask a young unmarried woman about her age, “When do your parents get any… umm… privacy?”  The young woman laughed, “You mean sex, right?  They are modest, of course, but they don’t really get true privacy the way wealthy people do in some other places.  I understand that there are children who have to be told about sex!  Not here.  No matter our parents’ best efforts, most of us have seen them having sex by the time we are 5 or 6.  It is no big deal.”

No big deal! Contrast that with the Kia ad that premiered during this year’s Super Bowl, in which a dad and mom anxiously avoid their child’s question about where babies come from, making up a ridiculous fairy tale, and then drowning out his rejoinder with the car stereo.

About a year ago, my husband and I took the baby monitor out of my daughter’s room, but she still wakes up in the middle of the night about 1/3 of the time, so we leave the door to our bedroom a little bit open, so that we can hear her if she calls.  But she doesn’t always call out, especially in the morning — sometimes she comes to our room instead.  In the past, I had considered the monitor and our doorknob’s creaky turning to be our early warning systems.  Instead, over the past months, I have been trying to work out what we are going to tell her if she walks into the room when we are having sex.

I had been a bit anxious about it, honestly.  More than once I have paused to check the clock and done some calculations about when she would likely wake up that morning before deciding whether I was comfortable having sex right then.  But in the past few days I came up with something to say that has me almost hoping that she does walk in on us one morning in the next year or so.  Remembering my friend’s story – that for many children all over the world, having seen their parents have sex is “no big deal,” I wondered about the difference between that attitude and the conviction of my friends when I was a child and teenager that the mere thought of their parents’ having had sex was “gross!” In movies and on television, I have “walked in on” countless young, beautifully airbrushed couples having sex – but rarely married couples, and never  in real life.

But back to what I would say to my six year old, if she were to walk in on my husband and I having sex in the next several months, and were to ask what we were doing:

1) We’re mating…  This might sound like a weird thing to say, but I would be beginning here by placing what she had seen in the context of what vocabulary she already has.  My daughter LOVES animals, and has been checking lots of books about animals out of the library – and a word that comes up a lot is “mate.”  She doesn’t know what mating entails precisely, but she knows that it is something that two animals do together in order to make a baby (or lots of babies).  So by saying, “We’re mating,” she knows right away that what she saw is related to how humans make babies, without me having to go into a lot of age-inappropriate detail.

2) … but unlike most other animals, humans don’t mate just to make babies.  This is important for three reasons.  The first is because it is true, and I want her to learn what other things sex is for from me, not her peers.  The second is because it is the necessary thing to say before telling her anything else sex is for.  And the third is because, as a family that has been trying to adopt for a few years, my daughter is aware that, “Mommy can’t grow any more babies in her belly.” So if Mommy and Daddy are mating (doing something that makes babies), then already that raises several questions in her head.

3) When humans mate, we call it “sex.” And couples have sex to strengthen the bond between them.  This is the critical part right here.  Too often, “the talk” includes (or even begins with) “when two people love each other very much.”  This can be very confusing.  Love can mean a lot of different things to different people.  Talking about love – about what comes before sex – tends to endorse anything that might happen when swept up in an emotional moment.  Instead, I feel like it is important to frame sex in terms of strengthening of a bond between two people – the results of sex.  Unlike “making a baby,” which only results from sex sometimes, “strengthening the bond” happens every time.  It can strengthen that bond in good or bad ways, it can strengthen that bond with a person who is good for you or bad for you, but it makes the bond stronger each time.  My daughter already knows (from us telling her, and from her observing us) that Mommy and Daddy love each other very much, that we respect one another and trust one another, so there is really no need, if she walks in on Mommy and Daddy having sex, to tell her that it has something to do with love.  But as parents of her friends divorce, I imagine the idea of sex as strengthening commitment will be reassuring to her.

Naturally, this version of “The Talk” leaves a lot out.  After all, I have thought about it with my six year old in mind.  For instance, now is not the time to get into “there are many ways to have sex, but only vaginal intercourse between a man and a woman can result in a baby, unless you take advantage of in vitro fertilization, which is a way of making a baby without sex at all,” or “There are ways to avoid having a baby when you are having sex, and some of them work better than others, and some don’t work at all, for instance…”  These matters can be addressed later, in bits and pieces, as she gets older and as she has more and more questions.  Actually answering those questions honestly (instead of trying to distract her from her questions by singing her favorite song, like the parents in the Kia commercial) will tell her that I am open to this conversation, and that will encourage her to continue asking me questions when they arise, instead of asking someone else.

“The Talk” is not one conversation, but a commitment to years of conversations.  In a sense, I already began talking with her about sex when I talked to her about marriage more than a year ago. “One day, when you are older, you may find someone who you like so much, and who likes you so much, that you want to see them every day, and help one another do everything, and be family with one another…” Liking one another, commitment, helping, family…  again, I didn’t use the word “love” because it didn’t seem to be the most helpful word in the situation.

Love is great and important!  My daughter and I use the word love a lot!  But because there are so many different ways to love people, I didn’t want that to be the only word that comes to mind when thinking about marriage.  Our culture will guarantee that it is the first word she thinks of – I can give her other words as well.  And by giving her these other words when she thinks about marriage, she will think of these words too when she thinks about sex.  As long as the first context she has for thinking about having sex is marriage, and not the sex she will see portrayed in movies and on TV time and again as she grows up — the sex that is simply scratching the inexplicable itch of desire.

Most of us will inexplicably desire many people in our lives who would be poor partners – to whom we know we would prefer not to be strongly bonded.  Respect and mutual support and commitment and enjoying one another’s company and desire? That’s what I want for my daughter.  My hope is that she is given unmistakable clarity in finding such a partner.  But because we are all fallible, because it is so easy to be deceived by our desires, shame is not on my agenda for my ongoing conversations about sex with my daughter.  If she is to flourish as an adult in a sexual relationship, if she is to continually strengthen the bond between herself and another person, I don’t want to do anything to impede her freedom to sever a bond that is better broken.  Especially if the sex was nonconsensual, for instance as Elizabeth Smart spoke about at Johns Hopkins when sharing her experience when she was abducted from her home.  But even if the mistake is hers – even if she chooses to have sex with the wrong person – telling her that she is now something like a “chewed up wad of gum” that no one will want is not simply hateful and contrary to the demands of Love, but also a way of preventing her from being equipped to form a life-giving relationship later.

So I am going to stop eyeing the clock in the morning, and not worry so much about our creaky bed frame.  If our daughter sees my husband and I having sex, it is no big deal.  It might even be a good thing.

God is Love

I asked a friend, Rev. Lisa Blackmonson of Broad Street UMC in Portsmouth, VA, if she would allow me to post the sermon she preached earlier today as a blog entry today, and she graciously agreed that I could publish it here. Thanks, Lisa, for your witness and for this word – and for being my first ever guest blogger!  I will be giving Lisa the last word on this blog about General Conference – at least for awhile!
I would encourage you all to read her texts for the sermon, since sermons are expositions of a particular text or texts.  The links here will take you to 1 John 4:7-21 (which also was the text I had in mind when writing a recent post on General Conference) and John 15:1-8.

Every four years the United Methodist Church holds a gathering of its top legislative body called General Conference.  This is a General Conference Year and the conference, this year held in Tampa Florida from April 24 until May 4, has just ended.  General Conference is a gathering of over 900 elected clergy and lay delegates from around the world, including Africa, Asia and Europe. General Conference is the only entity that speaks for the 12.1 million member United Methodist Church.

Over 4,000 people serve in a variety of roles such as greeters, registration officials, marshals, pages, translators, hosts, guides, drivers, musicians, technicians, reporters and emergency responders…the majority of whom are volunteers.

During the 11 day session, the 988 delegates revise the Book of Discipline, which regulates the manner in which local churches, annual conferences and general agencies are organized.  The book includes policies regarding church membership, ordination, administration, property and judicial procedures.  Delegates also revise the Book of Resolutions, a volume of more than 300 statements, declaring the church’s stance on a variety of social justice issues.

In addition the assembly approves plans and budgets for churchwide programs for the next four years and elects members of the Judicial Council and University Senate.

All of this may or may not be a big deal to you…As I look ahead to June and my taking lifelong vows of membership as a Clergy person in the United Methodist Church it is a really big deal to me.

Much that happened these past two weeks at General Conference directly affects me… and inevitably all local United Methodist Churches.  I won’t get in to all of that right now…but suffice it to say it has been a roller coaster week of emotions for me and for my Colleagues as we tuned in to the General Conference via Live Internet Video Feed.

Curiously what has affected me most has not been the vote to do away with Guaranteed Appointments, nor the vote to restructure the entire denomination shifting power structures and agendas like the faultlines in our denominational foundation…no, what has affected me is the ways in which change has been made.

Few people like change.  It makes us move, and we are quite comfortable in the places we have settled…but it isn’t the change itself that has spoken to my heart this week…it is the ways in which Christian brothers and sisters have engaged in conversations with one another as change was made.

Through live video feed I, and all who cared to tune in, witnessed the United Methodist Church engage in both amazingly beautiful, loving and Holy Conferencing and ugly, hateful, very Unholy conferencing.

Alas the church, even at it’s best falls short of God’s example of perfect love…and at our worst…well I’d rather not relive it.

But there is good news…For our hope does not lie with the United Methodist Church: though we engage in community and service to Christ through the United Methodist Church, no denomination of Christ’s body, the church, has a full claim to the whole of Christ!   Our hope does not lie in any one institution or organization or even local church…no our hope is in Christ Jesus who is indeed present with us as we gather to worship and conference…Christ Jesus who tells us that if we abide in him, if we seek to live in relationship with him, then He will in fact live in and through us as well.

Christ Jesus who says that if we live in relationship with him, he will teach us not only to love our brothers and sisters, but even how to love our enemies.  Christ Jesus who is building the Kingdom of God in our midst as we learn to love perfectly, but even as we love imperfectly.

As I studied the passage from 1 John I kept coming back to the question…how do we love?  What does it look like when we love as God loves?  And as I considered and prayed about this I remembered the famous love chapter…1 Corinthians 13

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.”

This is what it looks like when we love even our enemies.

The author of 1 John tells us “God is Love”…curious he didn’t tell us what God is not…but we tend to think like that…we look at things in terms of the negative…or the negate-tive…we look at things and people in terms of what they are not…

Ronald Cole Turner wrote, “In our insecurity and longing for protection, we often yearn for a God who can control nature and prevent sickness or violence, a God who will protect us from all harm.  In a world of moral confusion, we wish for a God who lays down the law with complete clarity and holds everyone accountable, catching the cheaters and rewarding the faithful.  In our hunger to possess, we might even imagine a God of prosperity, one who promises to make us rich if we obey a few principles.

Whatever may be true about God’s power or moral order or generosity, the author of 1 John avoids all of these descriptions in favor of the simple word agape…or LOVE.  It is not power or law or prosperity, but self-sacrificing love that is the heart of the truth about God.  God has acted in love, sending Jesus Christ to overcome the destructive and divisive power of sin.  God has defined God, and God’s chosen self-definition is love.  We don’t have to wonder what God is like…God has shown us in Jesus Christ.

God is patient, kind, not envious, boastful or proud.  God does not dishonor others, God is not self-seeking, nor easily angered.  God keeps no record of wrongs.  God does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. God always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.God never fails.

If we abide (stay close) to God then God will perfect us in love.  This doesn’t mean we will be made perfect…but God’s perfect love will be seen in us.  Which leads me to an important point.  To abide means to stay or live there…to dwell with.  It is a discipline to live in love…to abide with God..this is why we call it “practicing faith…or practicing religion”  we must continue to work at it.  All relationships are hard work and this is what the scripture  is getting at when it says…

“Those who say, ‘I love God,’ and hate their brothers or sisters, are liars; for those who do not love a brother or sister whom they have seen, cannot love God whom they have not seen. The commandment we have from him is this: those who love God must love their brothers and sisters also.”

Love is contrary to our insecurities…what comes naturally to our insecurities is fear…We are fearful as we dwell in sin…as we choose to abide with distance between ourselves and God fear stages a wedge between us and God and us and each other too.  This is what the scripture means when, in encouraging us to abide, dwell with God…and it says 

So we have known and believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and those who abide in love abide in God, and God abides in them.

Love has been perfected among us in this: that we may have boldness on the day of judgment, because as he is, so are we in this world.

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear; for fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not reached perfection in love.

As I meditated on our scriptures, and as I watched in prayerful discernment of all I was witnessing on the live stream video of General Conference, I was troubled by what to me seemed a great chasm that was building between my understanding of the scriptures and what I witnessed on my computer screen.

I was awakened very early one morning, and as I awoke I believe that God gave me a vision, perhaps to comfort me…perhaps to comfort others…with some sense of fear, but with boldness of faith I would like to share with you my experience.

As I awoke from sleep I saw a thin veil blowing and moving, it seemed it was daylight on the other side, though I could not tell for sure.  It was as long and as tall as I could see.  I stood in the night, but did not feel afraid, more at peace and then I heard these words:

“The veil is thin now.  The world is battered, bruised, burning, but not destroyed or forsaken – what is coming is not death, not retribution, but peace and salvation.  It is in fact already here – peace is upon us- salvation is here- but we place our faith in our own power- we rely on our battered histories our bruised and wounded lives and relationships…The veil is thin and we are panicked because we think that punishment lies on the other side – we see darkness where there is light and love, mercy and grace and from our fear we create more darkness which blinds us – the temple curtain was torn in two- into….The angels continuously remind us “Be not afraid” Jesus said “Peace be with you, my peace I leave with you” …peace not like the world gives….The veil is thin now- be not afraid!  Salvation, love, mercy and grace lay just a breath away – Do Not Fear- the veil is thin- Listen to the Ruach…it breathes through the veil- feel it wash over all that is, was and is to come/ Peace Be Still!”

Friends,  God is not finished with us yet.  We and this world is God’s masterpiece in progress.  Thomas A’Kempis said we should seek to be “imitators of Christ”…Jesus tells us in John 15 “Those who abide in me and I in them bear much fruit, because apart from me you can do nothing.  If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask for whatever you wish, and it will be done for you.”

This doesn’t mean that in our selfishness or even in our retributive prayers we might ask for personal prosperity, or plagues upon those who offend us…but the closer we draw to Christ the more our minds will be of the things that are precious to Christ and therefore the things we will ask will be things of love and building up the Kingdom of God on earth as it is in heaven.  It isn’t about changing others…it is in fact about changing each of us, one by one into the image of Christ.

I leave you with this clip from the movie “Hook”, a rendition of the Peter Pan story…Robin Williams plays the now Grown up and married with children Peter Pan who has returned to Neverland…but the lost boys do not recognize him because he has changed so much…so they do not trust him they will not stand by him…to battle the evil Captain Hook.

Our world is locked in fear…our church our world even our very selves may at times be eaten up with fear…but the love of Christ can heal even the most fearfully broken heart and soul.  This is why we must seek to see Christ’s face in everyone…even our enemies.  For we have all been created in the image of God…sometimes it takes time for God’s chiseling work to reveal God’s image underneath all that we have masked and plastered on ourselves and each other…But if we search the Christ in me…can greet the Christ in thee…and we can say to each other…”Oh…there you are Jesus!”

Tidiness and Godliness

Yesterday, I shared the story of when I first encountered the term “Cleanliness is next to Godliness.”  While it has a Victorian ring to it, I continued to hear this saying for years afterwards – not just among older people, but even repeated by some of my camp counselors, who in retrospect were likely born in the 1960s!   I never could get over the ridiculousness of such an assertion – especially given the indiscriminate love of Jesus reported in the Bible, and the community breaking way in which the designation “unclean” had been used.  If anything, Jesus – God incarnate – was constantly rubbing up against the unclean.  Furthermore, he had explicitly ridiculed the idea that outer cleanliness was in any way reflective of one’s inner rightness with God.

But if Godliness does not mean “holiness,” but instead “sharing a characteristic with God,” then I recently received some insight into how tidiness, at least, might be next to Godliness.  It began when I tried to find a notebook that contained my notes on the movie “Blood Done Sign My Name.”  I wanted to properly quote something as a launching point for a blog entry.  After more than five minutes of searching, I decided that I would be satisfied with the book, because I might locate the incident in there and see if the quote had been preserved intact in the movie.  But ten minutes went by without me finding that either.  And it occurred to me:  God doesn’t lose track of anything!  God knows right where everything is.  (And God, since you know where my notebook is, I would love to find it soon.  Though I’m sure this insight into my limits and your limitlessness was the more important one to have today.)

If I kept a tidier house, I wouldn’t lose track of anything, either.  I would be master of my domain!! Hmm… Maybe it is a good thing I don’t always have “a place for everything, and everything in its place.”  Keeps me humble.  😉